"Outside of the will of God there is nothing I want, and in the will of God there is nothing I fear." - A.W. Tozer
I have started, erased, and restarted this blog post probably 15 times. How could I even begin to explain what emotions we felt when we were told Scott had brain tumor, and then to find out it is cancer? How do I explain the effects this new diagnosis has on our journey of infertility and the treatments that most people know nothing about? How do I put into words the soul shaping changes that have taken place in our lives from the almighty embrace of the Holy Spirit? My pain may be great, but His promises are greater.
On June 13, Scott received the phone call that he had a brain tumor on his left frontal lobe. I was in Tennessee at the time on a high school youth group trip when he called to tell me. He asked me to step outside to be alone because we needed to talk. Despite his efforts to so tenderly break the news to me, the words, “I have a brain tumor” hit me with such debilitating force. I collapsed to the floor. Seconds seemed like hours yet the waves behind the boat seemed to roll in slow motion. The tears began to fall and my thoughts raced too fast for me to comprehend. How? Are you sure? No, this isn't happening. Why? I wasn't sure if I was aiming the questions more at Scott or at God at this point, but I was scrambling for an answer. I wanted it to be a mistake. I want our lives to be a part of God’s story but not like this. I want an easier road. This happens to other people, not us. When the phone call ended, one of my best friends, Rachael Considine, held me as we wept. Linda Blackmore knelt with her arms around me and began to pray. I was surrounded by women who are entrenched in God’s love; blessing #1 of this journey had happened within seconds, thank you Lord. I cried out to my Savior, my Holy Father, my Daddy, I was not alone. Scott and I did not have to do battle this journey alone. Jesus had His arms around me on the back of that boat as my heart ached. Time seemed to stand still while my world was spinning around me. I just needed to get home.
The next few weeks were tough. Scott battled intense headaches, nausea, and dizziness. Every day, he would get up and fight to do as much as he could handle. Word began to spread to family and friends and we were overwhelmed by the number of cards, phone calls, and prayers that were pouring in. The support was inescapable. Thank you Lord.
We were signed up to do a 9-day hiking trip out to the Teton Mountains and Scott was determined to go. He felt awful the day before we left, and horrible the day we got home, but thanks to a blessing from all of the prayers, Scott was able to go on the trip with very few symptoms over those 9 days. God is so good.
When we got home, we had 2 full weeks of doctor appointments but Scott was battling his symptoms like a beast. He fought hard to be as active as he could on his good days despite the symptoms getting worse by the day. We were blessed to have the most amazing neurosurgery team supporting us. Dr. Justin Singer and his PA, Leah, made sure we knew what was happening every step of the way and treated us like we were family.
On July 18, the surgery was completed. God's peace was palpable in Scott's room as they prepped him for surgery. 3 pastors from our church visited to pray over Scott and the surgeons. During the surgery, more visitors came and prayed with us in the waiting room. It was humbling to see just how many people around the waiting room were observing and listening to the prayers. God was already at work.
The surgeons were able to remove a vast majority of the tumor without complications. At this point we would wait to hear the pathology results to determine if another surgery was needed in the future to get the rest of the tumor, but for now, it was too risky to take the chance if it wasn't necessary. The number of visitors we had during the short stay was incredible and helped the time pass by quickly. Scott was able to go home less than 3 days after surgery. Thank you Lord. We would learn of pathology reports at our follow up appointment so for now we were sent home and told to just focus on resting and healing.
It was a perfect summer day when we left the hospital, so you better believe we covered his head and went to the sunshine. Seven days after surgery, we were able to celebrate our 4th anniversary as tradition at our favorite restaurant, Amore. Chef Jenna blessed us with an amazing meal and sat awhile to celebrate and talk with us. This was the best Scott had felt yet. Thank you Lord.
Throughout the next 12 days, we remained optimistic that everything would be okay and the worst was behind us. Looking back now, it was such a blessing that they gave us time to simply recover with joy from the surgery before learning any further results. Scott felt better in less than 2 days post-surgery than he had the past month. With the pressure from the tumor released, the headaches were minimal, nausea was gone, and dizziness resolved. The incision healing progressed and so did the healing of our spirits. Thank you Lord. In my mind, we had made it. Scott was a brain tumor survivor. That undesired chapter of our lives was ending.
On July 30, we went to the follow up appointment with every intention of having his staples removed and hearing that we were all clear and good to go home. We would do some MRI’s in the future just to make sure everything is good and that would be that. So when the words, “Stage 3 Astrocytoma” came out of our doctors mouth, I didn’t let them penetrate any deeper than my skin. I sat there with a smile still on my face, waiting for the punchline, waiting for a different answer, waiting for anything to turn this conversation around and start over. All too familiar, the thoughts began to churn again. How? Are you sure? No, this isn't happening. Why? I wasn't sure if this time I was aiming the questions more at the doctor or at God, but I was scrambling for an answer. I wanted for this time to be a mistake. I want our lives to be a part of God’s story but definitely not like this. I want an easier road. I don’t like this chapter of my story, I want to skip over it. How can I rip these pages out? How can I burn this chapter to nonexistence without singeing or affecting any pages of the next chapter?
What God would so tenderly teach us over the next few weeks was that He has already written our stories, beginning to end, and they are perfect. As much as I may try, my stress and anxiety aren’t powerful enough to skip any chapter of my story. So instead, we hit our knees daily, asking God to change our hearts to further embellish the story rather than trying to rip out the pages. Thank you Lord.
Scott is now undergoing radiation 5 days per week for 6 weeks. We have been blessed with the option of oral chemo so he takes that at home 7 days per week. We serve a big God and know without a doubt there is a plan for all of this. Please be in prayer that we will have diligence and endurance to share God’s love and unexplainable peace that we have with others we may encounter through this journey who do not know Him yet. Please also continue to be in prayer for Scott's strength, wisdom for the doctors, and perseverance to not just fight, but fight well.
--Scott and Tina Suchecki
